Perceptions and Paulitics

abOUT Canadian Healthcare (originally published in 2009)

2011-11-20T12:40:00.000-05:00

I love living in Canada. I truly believe it’s one of the best countries in the world in which to live regardless of who you are; but especially so if you happen to be queer.

As a gay Canadian, I am an equal citizen under the law. I cannot be discriminated against in the workplace or wedding chapel; and I live in the midst of one of the most diversity-tolerant peace-loving societies in the world.

Sure, Canada is no utopia. We have our fair share of problems and idiots (who create the problems) but all in all we do have things pretty good. Our economy is fairing better than most. When someone gets murdered here, it still actually shocks people. Heck, we’ve even stopped clubbing those adorable fluffy white baby seals (we now wait until they get a bit older and uglier).

One particular aspect of life in Canada is particularly reassuring. I don’t need to worry about how much my essential healthcare might cost me. In Canada, access to healthcare is considered a basic human right.

Along with Canada, most European countries, Japan, South Korea, Turkey, Australia and New Zealand have some form of socialized healthcare. Even poor little much-maligned Cuba has a social healthcare system. (A side note…why is it that the USA seems to be the only country in the world who slams Cuba?)

According to a 2006 report by the US Census Bureau, more than 47 million Americans had zero healthcare coverage. According to that same report, the rest of the American population who did have coverage were still required to pay an average of 40% of their medical bills out-of-pocket because what coverage they did have was incomplete.

A debate rages in the USA over President Obama’s desire to see some form of social healthcare become a reality. Lobby groups are spending millions of dollars desperately trying to stop healthcare reform. One particularly ludicrous ad features a Canadian woman named Shona Holmes. A group called "The Americans For Prosperity Foundation" (which I believe is code for "Greedy sons of bitches who profit by holding your life for ransom") sponsors this commercial where Ms. Holmes claims she was put on a 6-month waiting list for treatment of a "tumour" which would have killed her; so she instead went to the USA for treatment.

Shocking!

Not that this poor dying woman was made to wait for 6 months for a medical procedure vital to her survival. Rather, that some stupid impatient selfish bitch who was told her condition wasn’t particularly serious but still flew into a panic and was then conned out of $100,000.00 for an unnecessary medical procedure by some greedy American clinic is being used in a commercial supporting healthcare for profit. If anything, she demonstrates why for-profit healthcare is BAD!!!

According to a CBC/Associated Press report this woman had a cyst, not a tumour. Her Canadian doctors put her on a waiting list because her condition was not particularly dangerous. Neurosurgeons at two of Canada’s most renowned institutes both said that they have NEVER heard of anyone dying from this woman’s condition. Furthermore, they both said that if she was in any real danger, they would have brought her in for treatment within a matter of days. Still, some doctor at some clinic in Arizona told her it was a tumour that would kill her if not removed immediately and soaked her for $100,000.00.

Sure, social healthcare systems have their flaws. People who don’t need to be treated right away often must wait behind people who require immediate attention and sometimes that can be annoying (especially to selfish whiney panicky gullible idiots). People can fall between the cracks of any system.

Despite these flaws, Canadian health statistics are pretty good. According to the United Nations, Canada has an infant mortality rate 30% lower than the USA (4.8/1000 births vs. 6.3/1000) and a longer average life expectancy (80.7 years vs. 78.2 years.

Look at it this way - in a country where every citizen has equal access to healthcare, it actually makes the news when someone has a bad experience. In a country where 47 million citizens have no access and the rest pay big money to get it, nobody is surprised because it happens all the time.

Which system do YOU think works better?

abOUT Dirty Laundry (originally published in 2009)

2011-11-20T12:32:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of October, the Toronto Star newspaper ran a story about a Toronto high school teacher who had been charged with sexually assaulting young boys at a summer camp. A few days later, his career and his reputation in ruins, the young teacher laid himself down across subway tracks and ended his life in what must have been horrible agony and despair.

The Star had actually made an error. The man was never charged with sexually assaulting anyone. He’d been charged with writing sexually suggestive emails to the young boys. The newspaper wrote a retraction shortly after the young teacher’s suicide.

I was absolutely appalled by this story. OK - the idea of a man in his 30’s writing sexual emails to young boys is a little creepy - but the man hadn’t apparently ever laid a finger on these or any other kids. Furthermore, he hadn’t even been convicted of anything…merely charged…and for all we know the charges were groundless. I’m sure many of us have had our email and text messages misunderstood or taken out of context on occasion.

Still, in their desire to print a sensational seedy headline, the Toronto Star destroyed someone’s life. Whether this was intentional or an honest mistake is not the question. The question is "Whatever happened to innocent before proven guilty or checking facts?"

In cases of sexual assault, murder, or paedophilia it seems that people are all set to condemn whomever is charged before the trial ever begins. Guilty or not, once someone has been accused of one of these crimes, their life is pretty much trashed. In many cases, merely being implicated in something like sexual assault or paedophilia is enough for people to label you as a pervert and a threat even if the charges turn out to be completely groundless.

I found myself wondering why this seems to be the case in our society today; and then I remembered the Don Henley song "Dirty Laundry". Part of the lyrics are as follows:

Dirty little secrets
Dirty little lies
We got our dirty little fingers in everybody’s pie
We love to cut you down to size
We love dirty laundry

We can do the innuendo
We can dance and sing
When its said and done we haven’t told you a thing
We all know that crap is king
Give us dirty laundry!

That song is more than 20 years old, and it seems more poignant today than ever. The North American news media has become less about information and more about entertainment. Sensationalism sells; and profit apparently trumps responsible journalism or even human decency.

Take, for example, the recent scandal involving David Letterman. A big-time TV star banged some women who worked for him. This is some kind of surprise? This story made the top of newscasts for days. How does a story like this merit more attention than the US healthcare debate or the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq? Oh, and by the way there still isn’t a cure for HIV/AIDS and millions of people around the world are suffering and dying from diseases, starvation, drought, genocides, and civil wars.

What is the deal here? Why are we so interested in destroying people one at a time by sensationalizing scandals and accusations while willing to completely ignore their civil rights and other issues of much greater importance?

Sadly, I think we’re talking about scapegoating again. People must feel so unhappy and empty that they choose to focus their anger and frustration at some sacrificial lamb. They must feel so hopeless and powerless that they choose to punish someone…anyone…in the hope it will make them feel better by comparison; and the news media bets (and wins) on this idea.

As far as this teacher goes, I read how his grisly suicide has enraged his former students and their parents. Apparently, he was a phenomenal teacher, and those who knew him were all willing to see him as innocent until proven guilty. It may turn out that this was all a huge misunderstanding, and that this man’s life was destroyed for no good reason. It may turn out that he did write something suggestive to those young boys; but that hardly merits a death sentence.

To quote "Dirty Laundry" again:

You don’t really need to find out what’s going on
You don’t really want to know just how far it’s gone
Just leave well enough alone
Eat your dirty laundry

I wonder how many reporters and media moguls are Don Henley fans…

　

abOUT Going To Church

2011-11-20T12:23:00.000-05:00

Near the beginning of the Holiday Season I accompanied a friend to a special service for people mourning the loss of their loved ones. The service was held at an Orthodox Catholic church. I hadn’t been inside a church in many years so I was a bit apprehensive about it.

I had been raised in a VERY Catholic family but had abandoned the church a very long time ago. Quite honestly, they lost me in the third grade. My family put me into the Catholic school system. It was a very bad fit from the start since I was already fully capable of independent thought; and religions aren‘t really equipped to deal with such people.

Every week, the local priest would sit us down for our weekly brainwashing (Catechism) class. He would have us gather around him to listen to his explanations of why we would all burn in eternal anguish and flame at the hands of monsters in Hell if we didn’t do precisely what the church told us to do. I can’t say it was a lot of fun.

I remember very clearly the moment they lost me. The priest in question said something which seemed rather unlikely to me; so up went my little hand to ask a question. I began with "Father, if what you’re saying is true…" and then he cut me off. I remember him scowling and saying with obvious irritation "What do you mean IF? Of course what I’m telling you is the truth. It’s the word of God!"

I was not convinced, so I started to ask again. He became very angry with me and said "You do not question the word of God. It is absolute. Any time you want to question God, it is Satan trying to control your mind. "If" is the Devil’s word."

I’m totally serious. This guy said "If" was "the Devil’s word" to a 9 year old kid. Either he panicked because really had no way to justify what he was saying or he thought he could scare me into obedience. In either case, he totally blew it. All I could think was "Dude, you are SO lying to me! If you need to resort to that kind of crap to make me believe what you’re saying, then what you’re saying can’t be worth very much." I was done with the whole Catholicism thing right then and there.

So I’m at this service, and I’m listening to an Orthodox mass for the first time in nearly 30 years. This was really the first time I was hearing it as a rational adult free from fear; and what a difference that freedom has made. Much to my surprise, fear seemed to be the entire point of the mass.

The words "fear", "Master", "servant", and "obey" were used with alarming frequency. I thought I was sitting in on somebody’s BDSM role play class; and then it dawned on me. That’s EXACTLY where I was. In BDSM you hear those terms all the time. They’re among the most basic tools and methods used for domination play. Submissives aren’t supposed to think for themselves. They’re supposed to do exactly as they’re told without question; because the game is all about control and power.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that Catholicism was basically one big mind-fuck. Do as you’re told without question and you’ll be rewarded. Disobey, and you’ll be punished. Very much like heavy BDSM scenes, the penalty for disobedience was not something you could see or touch. It was relayed to you verbally and repeatedly with a lot of over-the-top imagery, so that you were forced to visualize the most horrible punishment you could imagine with no actual frames of reference to provide you with scale.

Also, much like BDSM, the dominant figure was adorned in a costume of authority, and spoke from a position above us to make him appear larger and more menacing. He also spoke loudly and with amplification to make his voice sound more commanding. If that priest had been hotter and the lighting a bit dimmer, I could have have been at a play party in some dungeon…especially with all the candles and kneeling going on (plus the faint smell of Crisco from the baked goods in the reception hall).

It was all I could do to not burst out laughing. Of course, out of respect for the people mourning their lost loved ones, I behaved myself.

All the way home I tried to decide whether the BDSM scene I’d just witnessed was played by the rules or not. In the end, I had to conclude that the answer was "not". In proper BDSM circles, Rule #1 is that nobody plays with you without clearly negotiated consent. In the Catholic Church you do wind up consenting to all the control; but to me it seems that you’re pressured and manipulated into giving your consent…and that’s just not fair play.

Jesus Wieners & Scapegoats

2011-11-01T19:06:00.002-04:00

I recently read a news story about a group of Christians who were trying to promote the idea of giving away bibles and religious postcards on October 31 instead of candy. Apparently, these people have decided that the idea of Hallowe’en is some sort of affront to their religion.

That’s right. These people seriously believe that children dressing up in costumes in order to go door-to-door looking for candy somehow constitutes a form of worship. I’ll grant that many children prefer candy to reading the bible or going to church, but I hardly think many children pray or sacrifice to the God of Candy.

As if their rationale weren’t laughable enough, the unfortunate name these people have chosen for their crusade to save our children from Paganism & Satanism is “Jesusween”. I suppose TV host Jimmy Kimmel pretty much summed things up when he called these Christians “Jesus-Wieners”.

I’ve never really been a fan of organized religion. In fact, I see far more harm in them than good. I’m all for people having their own faith or beliefs; but I’d much rather people kept such things to themselves and in their own homes. In both Canada and the USA we’re supposed to have freedom of religion. That’s supposed to mean ALL religions…even atheism. Further, I believe that if anybody wants me to respect what they believe, then they’d better respect what I don’t believe or the deal’s off. Fair is fair.

One reason I loathe organized religion is that such organization requires leaders and followers…ironically contradicting the idea in some religions that the words of their God are what must be followed - not the words of some person. In too many cases, some less-than-saintly individual(s) wind up in powerful positions (or work very hard to gain such positions) within the religious group and then begin pushing forward their own agendas instead of helping people explore their own faiths.

Throughout human history one of the most effective tools corrupt leaders have used in order to gain power has been “the common enemy”. Leaders have repeatedly convinced masses of followers that some group or idea which is different in some way is actually an external threat which everyone must band together and put aside their squabbling in order to be combated. Hitler used the Jews. Bush used the Terrorists. Christians use the Muslims…and the Jews…and the Atheists…and the Queers…and the other Christian groups with different rituals and icons…and the Wiccans…and the Pagans….and the courts…and the government…and pretty much any other group or individual who isn’t willing to give one Christian leader or another a clear path to getting their own way.

So now this group of Christians is going after millions of children who innocently put on costumes and run door to door looking for candy. Forgive me if I’m wrong; but I don’t recall Jesus having any sort of comment on the issue one way or another. In fact, I don’t recall hearing many 8 year olds discussing the religious implications of Hallowe’en either. I also find it difficult to understand how any sane adult could possibly equate a child dressing up as Batman, Dora the Explorer, or Hello Kitty as some sort of religious ritual.

In my view this is just another whack-job religious leader whipping his flock (incidentally, that whole “flock” and “sheep” thing used so often in Christianity should be Warning Sign #1 that something isn’t quite right here) into a frenzy over something completely harmless, just to increase his own influence. The sad part is how some people are so afraid to disagree or (heaven forbid) think for themselves that they believe what they are told and follow without question (like a flock of sheep…see?)

It’s easy to laugh at this particular batch of fruitcakes. After all, they won’t likely accomplish much beyond making egg farmers richer by increasing the demand for house-vandalizing ammunition or providing wonderful material for stand-up comedians. Unfortunately, they are just one silly example of a much larger problem.

Here in Toronto a few years ago there was a huge mess over City Hall having a Christmas tree. The mayor at the time put forward the idea of calling it a “Holiday Tree”…which went over like a lead balloon. The religious groups against the idea of a Christmas icon at a public building said it showed insensitivity to (and discrimination against) non-Christian religions.

Also, notice how stores and offices will display decorated trees and menorahs, but have neutralized signage to say things like “Happy Holidays” or “Season’s Greetings”. Maybe the problem isn’t about governments and businesses being insensitive. I think the problem is how certain religious people are far too sensitive.

What is so wrong with saying “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Hanukah” (or Happy Hallowe’en, Happy Ramadan, Happy Diwali, or any other Happy holiday greeting for that matter)? I don’t see how wishing another person happiness in one form or another is somehow discriminatory or harmful.

Is it really so painful to just accept that someone is wishing you well, say “Thank you”, and not jump to the conclusion that the other person is covertly attacking your belief system or pushing their religion on you? Are people really so paranoid and defensive about their faith as to assume it’s always under attack from “the other guys”?

The short answer is “yes, they are” because that’s exactly what their religious leaders want them to believe.

Also, perhaps those parents who get all upset because their children idolize pop stars, vampires, and super-heroes instead of idolizing Jesus, Jehovah, Abraham, Moses or Mohammed might also want to notice how their children do not idolize their own parents...likely because many kids today are smart enough to see how all that oppressive religious zealous bigotry and abandonment of one's desire (and ability) to think for one's self is nothing of any value.

Think about it.

Kink & Romance (published in Outlooks Magazine February 2009)

2011-10-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

I’m willing to bet that many of you readers are wondering why on Earth the Valentine’s issue of Outlooks would contain an article about BDSM and Fetish. I’d also be willing to bet that those of you who are wondering as such really don’t have a clue as to what BDSM and Fetish are truly about. Kink is NOT all about reckless self-indulgence. It goes far deeper than that.

I’m guessing that many of you are thinking "what is this guy talking about?" When most people hear the words "kinky" and "fetish" they immediately envision nasty leather men beating the crap out of one another (both literally and figuratively) and shoving "God knows what" into some random stranger’s ass. They think of dungeons and dark leather bars and drug-fuelled orgies in back rooms and bath houses.

The sad reality is that not even many of the people who themselves practice kink actually have a good understanding of what they are doing. Most people’s knowledge of kink has been gathered by looking at pornography, wandering through shops and websites like Northbound Leather, Mr. S, and Priape, and by listening to other clueless individuals try to explain it. Well, believe it or not…the people you see on Jerry Springer are not actually authorities on Kink.

I prefer to use the term "kink" because it encompasses all fetishes. BDSM (Bondage, Discipline, Sado-Masochism), leather, exhibitionism, and other fetishes are individual types of kink. In a nutshell, kink is nothing more than sex with a twist…or pinch…or slap. It is as individual as you are. Fetish Culture is really all about embracing your sexuality, shedding any societal guilt associated with actually enjoying sex, and learning how to explore the limits of your sexuality as safely as possible.

One of the common misconceptions about kink is that it is abusive. There are some very selfish people out there who do try to get away with abusive behaviour by claiming it’s their kink; but those people are violating one of the fundamental elements of fetish culture…Consent.

In fetish culture every aspect of sexual play is negotiated and agreed upon before anything happens. Limits are set mutually, even when the limit is "no limits". Even people who identify as "worthless slaves" must willingly agree to being treated as such. Furthermore, as soon as anyone involved says they’ve had enough, everything stops. If things do not stop, we’ve then crossed the line from "play" into "abuse".

People who are part of the kinky community understand this rule and obey it. We also understand that no matter how dark or edgy or risky an act or role-play might be, it is all still just playful sex. Everybody involved is supposed to be enjoying what they’re doing. When someone violates this idea, the community does it’s best to spread the warning about them being a dangerous character.

I organize and teach Kink Education programs in Toronto. These programs have become very popular, drawing people from a broad range of sexualities, ages, and genders. One of our goals is to show people the benefits of Fetish Culture. Our programs help people get over their fear of kink, and show them how increasing their sexual repertoire can bring couples together by keeping their sex lives fun and interesting. Our goal is to help individuals and couples learn how to enjoy sex more.

There is a lot of fear associated with kinky sex. Much of this fear comes from ignorance and misinformation (largely through porn and uptight people with a lot of sexual hang-ups). Much of this fear also comes from people not wanting to be seen as "perverted". That one I don’t get, because I’m rather proud of the fact I’m a pervert.

Many couples lose interest in having sex with one another over time because they become bored with the same old same old. Developing the skills to embrace and explore your sexuality can keep your relationship fresh and fun. It can also help you form an even deeper connection with your partner.

There are 4 basic elements which kinky players must learn to master: Communication, Respect, Trust, and Connection.

Communication is necessary for several reasons. As I’ve stated, all kinky play is negotiated before it begins. Players must be able and willing to talk openly about their desires, fantasies, fears, and limitations. They must also be able to make their play partner understand how they feel, and why they feel that way. Since more than one person is involved, a certain amount of negotiation must also occur in order to make sure that everyone involved is getting as close to what they want the way they want it.

Respect is also necessary…primarily because it is very difficult to get everything we want. Respecting one another’s wishes and limits prevents anyone from being emotionally or physically hurt. You might think taking someone on the bus after you’ve rendered them helpless is hot; but unless the helpless person feels the same way you can’t make it happen without crossing the line from "kinky" to "abusive". This also means that bottoms must respect the feelings of tops, and must allow the top to maintain an element of control. Nobody likes a "pushy bottom".

Trust is very important. If you don’t trust someone enough to not harm you once you’re helpless, then you’re not likely to enjoy your experience. The same goes for a top trusting that the bottom will not act in any way which will jeopardize their own safety.

Lastly, but perhaps most importantly, we get to the element of Connection. It is said that the difference between good sex and great sex is the connection. Some people call it "Chemistry". Essentially, I’m referring to how well the persons involved fit and work together. This is perhaps the most important element of kinky play. It is also often the most difficult element for people to master.

It is difficult, because it is intangible and not easily quantified. To many people, it’s either there or it’s not; and it cannot easily be created when it is not there. It also requires a certain amount of courage and personal strength.

Creating a connection requires the ability to open yourself up to the other person. You must be willing to let them see what’s going on in both your body and mind, and you must be willing to look for the same in with whomever you are playing. This means that in addition to mastering Trust, Respect, and Communication…you must also develop a certain degree of empathy with and sensitivity to your partner(s).

I know this sounds like a lot of effort; but truthfully the benefits outweigh the cost. Once all these elements are in place, not only will you be able to make your sex life far more interesting and fun; but you will also create a very strong bond with your sexual partner(s).

We all have fetishes and fantasies, whether we are willing to label them as such or not. Some of us like muscular bodies. Some fixate large penises or large breasts. Some people want to dominate. Some want to be dominated. Some want to pretend they're different people or characters. Some people want to keep their shoes and/or socks on during sex. Some get off on fucking in places where they may be discovered. Others get off on percussive play (hitting). These all fall under the categories of kink and fetish; and as long as all the parties involved are having fun then there is no reason for any shame or judgment.

All that having been said, some kinky acts are more dangerous than others. Playing with things like bullwhips and hot wax have obvious risks, but even something as "harmless" as rope bondage can be fatal if not done properly. What may look steamy and simple on a porn video is very likely riskier and more complicated than it seems. Porn is fantasy material. It is not intended to teach you anything. It does not show you how to do something properly; and more importantly porn does not tell you what to do in case something goes wrong.

It is often said that avoiding problems is much easier than trying to fix them. When we’re talking about a problem which might require a trip to an emergency room, this saying is especially valuable. The risk of physical and emotional injury is something the kink community takes very seriously; which is why the Kink community places such emphasis on education.

It is also why kink educators usually go out of their way to discourage the practice of mixing kinkier sex with intoxication. Alcohol and drugs might help you relax and lose your inhibitions; but they also put you at a substantially higher risk of injury. Intoxicants impair both your judgment and your reaction speed. They also can decrease your ability to feel pain, which is a vital signal that your body is being damaged. Statistics have also shown a direct link between drug use and HIV infection. Quite simply, people make stupid choices when they’re high…like to not practice safer sex.

Most larger cities have active kink communities which provide demonstrations and workshops. Reputable stores who sell sex toys also often provide classes in kinkier sex; or at the very least have staff on hand who can explain the proper use and care of the items they sell. If you’re not brave enough to talk with someone or attend a class, there are also many good books on kinkier play.

I suggest books are a good beginning or a last resort; but they are not the best way to learn about Kink. The best way to learn about safely exploring your kinkier side is to attend demonstrations and workshops. Very often, these educational programs will not only show you exactly what to do; but they will also provide you with opportunities to try for yourself under supervision or at least ask questions. They are also excellent venues for meeting others with similar interests.

Better teachers will provide psychological and physiological information to better help you understand what is happening in your mind and body during your kinky experiences. Also, of vital importance, good instructors will not only teach you what to do in the event of problems; they will also teach you what warning signs to look out for in order to avoid problems.

I think it’s safe to say that for the most part, we all like good sex. Despite all the dark imagery of people in black leather and hoods mercilessly torturing their sex partners we see in pornography; Kink is really all about finding ways to make sex more fun and to keep making it better safely, sanely and consensually. Furthermore, while there are some individuals (especially gay men) who appear to be all about their own reckless self-indulgence; kink and fetish can also be a means of expanding and solidifying the bonds between people by building trust, respect, communication, and connection.

Besides…chocolate tastes a lot better when you melt it all over a hot body and then lick it off.

Happy Valentine’s Day!!

Return Of The Leather Monster

2011-06-16T20:56:00.000-04:00

It has been some time since my last posting here. It had been an even longer time before that posting. Like many other people who’ve lived, worked, and played in this community for many years, I find myself significantly dialling back my involvement these days.

How significantly? Well not only have I resigned from pretty much all of my community positions…I even went so far as to shave off all my facial hair for the first time in a VERY long time.

I grew tired of being the big scary Leather Monster. Being what felt like the Daddy for an entire community was just too draining. I wanted to just be an innocuous civilian again.

My friends tell me not to worry too much. Burn-out had to be expected sooner or later. The thing is, I’m not entirely sure that it’s simply a case of burn-out. I think a lot of this has to do with what I’m seeing in the community these days, combined with my severe allergy to “stupid”.

I don’t want to cite specific examples. Largely this is because as vague as I might try to be, I’m pretty sure someone will leap to some bitchy dramatic and idiotic conclusion and then proceed to gossip all over the community just so that people will listen to their empty-headedness for a change.

Come to think of it…that’s one of the big reasons I’ve pulled out of the community these days. Unfortunately, one of the realities our community must face is that it is ripe with bitter, jealous, dramatic, unhappy, insecure, and otherwise fucked up individuals. I believe this is largely due to the community being so open.

With the exception of a few good leather organizations, gone are the days where people needed to prove that they belonged in this community. Along with this change we’ve largely lost the mechanisms by which people learned what being part of the leather community involved. Now, as long as someone has the wardrobe and a good story, they’re in…whether that story is truthful or not.

Another reason I’ve pulled back my involvement is apathy. Not MY apathy; but the apathy of the general community.

We seem to find ourselves in a situation where a small handful of people do 90% of the work. The rest of the community just seems to sit around and reap the benefits, while a small portion of the community go one step further and actively trash the individuals doing all the work.

Speaking from experience, having your community expect you to work your ass off instead of thanking you for it gets old very quickly. Having lazy mouthy pieces of shit criticizing your work yet doing nothing to help speeds up the process considerably. Eventually, people decide “fuck this shit” and walk away from the community. The REALLY sad part of this is how those worthless critics then start spouting “I told you so” when in truth they probably had something to do with that hard working volunteer quitting.

Good volunteers are very difficult to find. Ask any event producer. It is very rare to find people who are willing to donate their time & energy yet expect nothing in return. Most often, people want some sort of compensation like free admission to a big party. Well folks, by asking for something like that you stop being a volunteer and become a mercenary.

Many event producers ask for volunteers because their events are not for profit, or are to benefit some charity, or simply because it’s a community event and they have nothing really to give people in the way of compensation. The knowledge that you’re helping out your community is supposed to be compensation in itself. It’s been my observation that many of the people who demand free admissions to parties in exchange for “volunteering” very often disappear shortly after entering the party and don’t fulfill their duties.

Even more rare than good volunteers, good leaders are an endangered species in this community. It’s not that we lack good people. What we lack is any sort of motivation for good people to step forward. Why would they stick their necks out after seeing how so many of us treat people who accept leadership roles in our community? This is also why we have such a difficult time finding people who are willing to run for leather titles. In many communities, a title vest is the equivalent of a bulls-eye. As soon as you put one on, people start throwing knives at your back.

Before anybody clenches in anger and kinks their butt-plug, just relax. I am fully aware that there are many amazing, generous, and hard working people in this community. We also have very many people who appreciate how we all benefit from the work done by our community leaders, activists, and titleholders. We also have very supportive committees and networks which strive to show those community members and leaders how much their work is appreciated.

My point is, we don’t seem to have enough people willing to counter all the whiners, complainers, critics, and nay-sayers out there. All it takes is one spiteful idiot to say or do something vile, and we lose a valuable member of our community who would have likely made great contributions.

I think the reason people are so free with spitting venom is that the rest of us not only let them, we encourage them. People too seldom seem to speak up whenever someone says something unkind. I think a lot of this has to do with people not wanting confrontations or being seen as “the bad guy”. Well in my books, the bad guy is the one spouting hateful shit…not the one who calls him on it.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t criticize people when there is good reason. I’m saying that if we disagree with what someone does then we should discuss it with the person directly and not just hide in some dark corner like a coward and gripe. Bringing your concerns to the person who can address them is constructive. Griping and criticizing from the shadows is empty and cowardly…and most certainly will do little or nothing to resolve your complaints.

Furthermore, sitting there attentively while someone spouts venom makes you just as bad as they are. You’re giving them the audience they crave, and by not challenging what they say you’re encouraging them to continue. I’m pretty sure that if every time someone spouted some baseless crap it provoked another person to tell them to shut the Hell up (or even simply to provide some proof to support their claims) the gossiper would think twice before opening his/her mouth again.

Of course, if every member of this community had learned about its core values of respect, honour, dignity, and brotherhood; then our community very likely would not be dealing with all this disrespectful, selfish, and petty behaviour.

I’ve thought about that a great deal over these past few months…which is why my vacation from being “The Leather Monster” is coming to an end. It looks like it’s time to get back into the trenches.

Be warned. I will address bad behaviour when I witness it. So either mind your manners when I’m watching or else stay the Hell out of my sight.

As Sir Edmund Burke once said “All that is necessary for Evil to triumph, is that good men do nothing.”

See you out there.

Paul Ciantar

Canadian Leather Man 2004
Mr. Leatherman Toronto 2003
<Mama’s Shit Disturber>

Politics, Passions, and Putzes

2011-04-28T21:03:00.000-04:00

As most Canadians already know, we’re in the middle of a very heated election campaign. (If you’re Canadian and you DON’T already know, then you won’t like what you’re about to read). The reason this particular election is being so hotly disputed is that for the first time, any one of 3 parties may win, according to recent polls.

For the past several years Canada has been managed by a “minority government”. For you non-parliamentarian folks, that means the Prime Minister and his party may have the most votes, but not more than all the other parties combined.

The beauty of this situation is how no one party may forward any legislation without the support of at least one of the other parties. Since (for the most part) each of the 4 major parties in Canada have very different agendas, this prevents any extremist agendas from moving forward.

The downside of this situation is that the government becomes very unstable. If the opposition parties all gang up on the governing party, they can bring it down and force an election…which is what happened this year.

Elections are expensive. They also seem to bring out the worst in people. It is said that the most dangerous topics to discuss are religion and politics. These days, it’s becoming a bit difficult to tell where one of those topics begins and the other ends…but that’s for another column.

Last week, someone I know (who is an ardent supporter of the New Democratic Party (NDP) posted something on his Facebook page in support of the party and its leader, Jack Layton. This acquaintance is an ardent supporter of the NDP because both he and the party are Socialist and he works in a unionized setting.

Jack Layton used to be a Toronto City Councillor. In fact, he was MY city councillor when I owned a house in South Riverdale. Without getting into the details, I found Mr. Layton rather unsatisfactory as my representative in City Council; so I’m not a fan of his. I mentioned this (and why) on that guy’s Facebook page…and not only did he go borderline ballistic on me…he “unfriended” me on Facebook.

I found his reaction rather unsettling. It’s not like I was making anything up. Everything I wrote was a matter of public record. I was expecting an intelligent discourse from a well-educated and intelligent associate; but what I got was fury and juvenile retaliation.

I suspect he’s been working with his local NDP candidates on their campaigns, so what I wrote may have been somewhat disillusioning or even embarrassing…but it was all true. It appears that as far as this person is concerned, things like facts and history have no place in politics.

I’m no fan of the current governing party or Prime Minister. I actually think Stephen Harper is a hypocritical lying douche bag who’ll do anything to stay in power. Over the past couple of years he’s refused to cooperate with the majority of parliament by allowing our elected representatives access to the information they need to do their jobs. He’s even gone so far as to shut down the government when it looked like the opposition was going to force him into compliance…twice.

I’m also no fan of the leaders of the opposition parties. The leader of the Liberal party is an elitist who’s as charismatic as a houseplant. Jack Layton isn’t much better than our current Prime Minister, Stephen Harper. The 4^th major party is the separatist Bloc Quebecois, who only run candidates in Quebec.

For me, this election is shaping up to be a “hold your nose and vote strategically” thing. Harper’s right-wing Conservative party is trying for a majority government. Personally, I’d sooner wish to swallow broken glass than wish for that. He’s essentially Canada’s own Sarah Palin leading the Canadian equivalent of the Tea Baggers. Voting for the NDP or the Liberals becomes the choice…which is pretty close to choosing between syphilis and herpes…but at least those choices are better than voting for the Conservatives.

What worries me is how people seem to have forgotten all that Harper and his ReformaCons have done over the past 15 years…just as they’ve forgetten what Layton did while a Toronto City Councillor. All they see is that the Liberal leader Michael Ignatieff is an uncharismatic mannequin compared to the other leaders, and that’s what will decide their vote.

Never mind that Harper has been caught lying to parliament on more than one occasion, found in contempt of the government, and obstructed the parliamentary process. Never mind how Layton’s promises don’t add up and how dangerous it might be to put a Socialist government in place (which will undoubtedly divert large amounts of taxpayer’s money into expensive social programs at the expense of the people and businesses who generate all the tax revenue) during these uncertain economic times. People are going to vote for whomever charms them the most.

I find myself wondering...are Canadian voters really that stupid? Are they really too lazy to bother investigating what the politicians say or promise? Will they really just cast their votes ignorant of facts, issues, history and circumstances simply because they've always voted for a certain party? Will another 41% of eligible voters not bother to vote at all?

I'm guessing the answer to all those questions will probably (and quite sadly) be "yes".

Sir Winston Churchill once said “The strongest argument against Democracy is a 5-minute conversation with the average voter.” I agree with that statement wholeheartedly.

Democracy is a system of government where the majority rules; but what happens when the majority of people are uninformed voters or are simply overwhelmed by all the PR, promises, and hype?

What happens if they are just plain stupid?

Be afraid.

Be very afraid.

Attack of the ReformaCons!!!

2011-04-21T17:11:00.000-04:00

Mother Theresa once said “I don’t pay any attention to the news, because I’m only interested in the truth.”

I love that quote, because she pretty much nailed the big problem with the commercial media today. These days, the news is all about spinning a good enough story that people will want to follow. The actual truth behind the story has become (at best) secondary.

This becomes an even greater problem when the news is about politics, because political messages and issues are already spun in such a way as to stretch or twist the truth to provide maximum benefit to whomever is sending the message. In many cases, very important facts are downplayed or omitted completely in order to make the message as effective as possible. Politicians also bet on the fact that people tend to have very short memories.

Fortunately, some of us have pretty good memories and pay just as much attention to what they politicians DON’T say or do as to what politicians DO say and do.

Let’s talk about the upcoming election here in Canada.

Harper has been taking credit for Canada’s economy not going down the toilet the way the USA’s economy did. Quite simply, this is a lie.

The Canadian banking system saved us…not him…and that system was in place long before he came to power. Most of the tax incentives and other federal programs which helped our economy weather the storm were also already in place. In the grand scheme of things, any additional benefit provided by the Harper administration is questionable.

Stephen Harper also wants us to believe that the other parties forced this election. This is another lie.

This election is happening because the Harper Conservatives were found in contempt of Parliament. In simpler terms, the Harper minority government was asked by the majority of representatives (whom incidentally WE, the people of Canada elected into office) to provide the facts and figures they needed to do their jobs responsibly…and Harper refused.

Oh, he didn’t refuse just once…he refused (and still refuses) to come clean about the Afghan detainee torture issue, then the Conservative anti-crime bill, and now the F-35 fighter jet purchase. Harper seems to think that because he’s the PM he can do whatever he wants. The fact of the matter is that most Canadians didn’t vote for him or his party. Hence the term “Minority Government” .

To make matters worse, twice when the majority of Parliament appeared ready to force him to tell the truth, he prorogued Parliament to save his own ass. To make matters even worse than that, he then has the audacity to accuse the other party leaders of craving power, when he’s already demonstrated to what lengths he’ll go to keep it for himself!!!

Let’s not forget a couple of things:

#1. Harper himself tried to form a coalition government when the Liberals were in power. He met with the Bloc Quebecois and the NDP leaders to discuss how it could be done and then wrote a letter to the Governor General of Canada reminding her that such a coalition was a legal and practical option.

#2. Stephen Harper is not a Progressive Conservative. He is a Reformer. The party he leads is NOT the Progressive Conservative party which existed in Canadian politics for decades. The Progressive Conservative Party had a social conscience. It held moderate views with a somewhat conservative bent. It also ceased to exist about 8 years ago.

The party he leads is the Reform Party which combined with the few remaining PC MP’s back in 2003. This merger saw more than one PC MP cross over to the Liberal party. Former Conservative Prime Minister Joe Clark refused to have anything to do with Harper’s new party. Even former Conservative Prime Minister Brian Mulroney has very little to say in support of Stephen Harper and his cronies.

The Reform Party was Canada’s version of Sarah Palin’s Tea Party. It was a bunch of intolerant right-wing redneck religious nut jobs. The Reform Party leaders realized they couldn’t win over more moderate voters in Ontario, Quebec, BC, and Atlantic Canada; so they changed their name to something more palatable and muzzled their caucus; but I highly doubt much of their ultra right wing agenda has changed.

Why do you think Stephen Harper so tightly controls which MP’s speak to the press and what talking points they’re allowed to use? Doesn’t anybody else remember the racist and bigoted garbage several Reform Party members said before they were forbidden to open their mouths in public?

Why do you think reporters keep asking Harper & his cronies whether or not he plans on opening debate on things like abortion or equal marriage rights; and why do they keep avoiding the questions or giving non-committal responses?

Why do you think Harper & Company have been so carefully screening the people who attend his public appearances and not allowing more than 5 questions per day?

Harper doesn’t want his cronies talking to us because he doesn’t want us to know what they really think.

Harper himself doesn’t want to be asked any difficult questions because he knows we won’t like or believe his answers.

Harper doesn’t want us to see any facts or figures because he doesn’t want us to know what’s really going on.

Harper doesn’t want this election because he knows the other parties will bring all this stuff back out in the open. He also probably knows that if he can’t deliver a majority government on this, his 3^rd try…then the ReformaCons will very likely start looking for a new leader.

Look, I’m no fan of Ignatieff. I’m even LESS a fan of Jack Layton…especially after having that worthless egomaniac as my City Councillor. That being said I’d sooner swallow broken glass than wish for Harper to win a majority government. Having him win another minority government is only slightly less unappealing.

I know NDP supporters will get their skivvies all up in knots when I say this, but really…voting for them may split the vote and allow the ReformaCons to come up through the middle. I, for one, am going to hold my nose and vote Liberal for no other reason than to make sure Harper & Company don’t get a majority.

Best case scenario? I think a Liberal minority government would turn Parliament’s focus back to the concerns of average moderate Canadians and away from those of extremists and big business. I also think that having a strong opposition balanced among the NDP, the Bloc, the ReformaCons, and yeah…even the tree-hugging Greens would keep the Liberals on their toes and hopefully more honest and forthcoming than Harper & Company have been during their time in power.

Think about all this. Try to see past what they tell you and look for what’s really going on. Please look back at what Harper has actually done and said so you can see who we are dealing with here…and THEN get out there and vote.

International Titleholder's Forum & San Francisco Bay Area Reporter (19 March 2009)

2011-04-20T16:51:00.000-04:00

As I make the transition from Community Member to Community Elder (if I ever find that boy who started calling me "Daddy Paul"…) I find myself spending more and more time working with younger folk and trying to teach newer people (especially titleholders) a little bit about reality, perspective, and (sadly) humility.

Those who know me, know that my leather values are very traditional. I say "traditional" not "Old Guard". I find that term derogatory, because (to me) it implies that traditional leather values are not relevant today. Granted, not all of the old ways are still practiced; however, traditional values like respect, dignity, and the earning of one's place in the community through service are the foundation of this community and must not be abandoned.

Modern culture seems to put a great deal of emphasis on "entitlement". Personally, I think that's just camouflage for people wanting something (like validation and respect) yet being too lazy to go out and earn it. Sadly, the leather community is not immune to this societal influence.

Some of you already know how I feel about IML, so I won't flog a dead horse. For those of you who don't know, suffice it to say that as a member of the International Community I see how "International Mr. Leather" benefits the International Community in precisely the same way "Miss Universe" benefits the
universe. Part of this view comes from how the contest is structured. Part of this view comes from the message it sends to the community. Much of this view comes from the behaviour that message elicits from titleholders.

Back in the day, someone already established in the Leather Community needed to see "the right stuff" in you and agree to teach you what you needed to know in order to earn your own place within the community. Today, such mentors are shamefully rare; so in a way community events like contests are providing
newbies with entry points. Sadly, too many new people end up either not finding guidance, or worse…deciding they don't want or need it. It's been my experience that people who enter the community out of nowhere by winning a title are most often the ones who shun mentorship and walk around with some bullshit sense of entitlement.

Winning a title does not "entitle" you to respect. It does not entitle you to the undying love, acceptance, and admiration of the community. It does not make you a leader. It does not entitle you to anything more than an opportunity to have our community pay attention to you for a little while, so that you might EARN all of those things; and it most certainly does not entitle you to be egotistical, rude, dismissive, or to treat anyone else in any way they do not wish to be treated.

Some titleholders have gone on to make valuable contributions to this community. Some have become community leaders and educators. A few have become community icons.

Conversely, some have become monumental embarrassments. Some have caused damage to this community because of their egos, pettiness, appetites, and selfishness; and have become the subjects of jokes and scorn.

The majority have simply gone back to their own lives.

If you're reading this, then you have a title. That means you have the equivalent of Willy Wonka's Golden ticket in your hand. You have a great opportunity. You also have the responsibility of choosing what you do with this opportunity.

It is my sincere hope that you choose to use this opportunity wisely, that you maintain a grounded perspective, that you take the time to learn where this community came from (and why) before you decide whether or not to value its traditions; and that you either earn a respected place among your peers or just
have some fun for a year and then go back to your own life…not causing any harm to yourself or to the community.

Never forget that who you are is defined by your choices and actions; not by who you might think you are.

abOUT Materialism

2011-04-20T16:39:00.000-04:00

When my partner and I were together, one day I came home to find two guys working on the roof of our house. My partner had ordered a satellite dish against my wishes. He went on and on about how we’d get over 800 channels. I told him that in 6 months he’d be bitching about how there was nothing to watch.

I was wrong. It only took 4 months.

I don’t watch TV. I haven’t had cable in almost 10 years. Aside from the occasional cartoon, I don’t even download TV shows from the internet. Quite simply, I don’t find much on TV today worth watching; and certainly not enough for me to justify spending any money on cable.

These days, the mind-numbing fodder that poses for entertainment on TV is particularly atrocious. Nonetheless, millions of people today plan their lives around the airing of their favourite shows.

So-called "reality" shows are the most inane. Anybody who thinks for a moment that what they’re seeing on TV has any bearing on reality seriously needs help. These shows aren’t being pushed by networks because they are particularly good. They’re being pushed because they are cheap to produce (no writers to pay) and because nobody at the networks has any creative ability anymore.

In the 1970s and 1980s, dramas and sitcoms ruled television. Some of these shows like "Maude", "All In The Family" and "Soap" tackled social and sexual issues that were considered taboo at the time (like racism, PMS, women‘s rights, and homosexuality). How many of you knew that the first interracial kiss on network TV happened on "Star Trek" when Captain Kirk sucked face with Lt. Uhura?

Back then, writers sometimes sent some very powerful messages disguised as entertainment. It was done so intelligently and deftly that people didn’t even realize they were learning something. How much have you learned from watching "Survivor" beyond confirming your belief that people will fuck over their best friend for enough money?

One of my favourite TV shows of the 70s was "Barney Miller". I liked it because it was an ensemble cast which tackled two or three story lines at the same time with a brilliant mix of comedy and drama. Some of the issues they addressed (like racial inequality and teen drug use) were particularly gritty for the era.

In one particularly brilliant episode, an older man was mugged. The mugger thought he was stealing a briefcase, when in fact he’d stolen a case containing millions of dollars in diamonds. At the end of the episode the case was recovered by the only black cop, played by Ron Glass. Glass’ character "Harris" was portrayed as a man who struggled against the widespread racial prejudice of the time, and who felt a need to have people see him as wealthy and successful.

At the end of the episode, Harris said to the old man "I guess investing in diamonds is the way to go. After all, diamonds are forever right?" The old man chuckled and responded "Son, let me tell you a little secret. All I have in this case is a bunch of shiny rocks. If people didn’t give me money for them, they’d be worthless."

That exchange made a significant impact on me, even as a kid. (No age jokes please). It dawned on me how people can assign great value to things which, in reality, do not warrant such value. It also helped me to understand how all it really takes is the right marketing to trick people into emptying their wallets in exchange for unnecessary merchandise. Anybody else remember "pet rocks"?

I realize that diamonds are very useful as industrial cutting tools; but really, who needs to have a shiny rock on their finger so much as to hand over enough money to feed themselves for a year? For that matter, who needs to shell out the money for a BMW car or an Abercrombie t-shirt when you can buy an essentially identical item from another manufacturer for 20% of the price?

When you boil away all the pretentious nonsense and societal manipulations, the answer is "nobody". Unfortunately, the people who manufacture things pay big money to the people who help promote them. The people who promote them pay big money to the people who run the media. These people don’t care about consumers; they all just want money. The money has to come from someone, and that someone is you and me.

When you buy that overpriced item, you’re not getting what you paid for. You’re getting what they’ve convinced you to buy. As P.T. Barnum is credited with saying "There’s a sucker born every minute."

abOUT Mythology

2011-04-20T16:34:00.000-04:00

One of my favourite subjects in school was Mythology. Part of it was due to my love of good stories. Another big part of my fascination with Mythology came from learning how the stories came into being.

Scholars suggest that ancient myths were created to explain existence, to teach us things like morality and obedience, and sometimes just for entertainment. In the first case, people likely wanted to understand why things were they way they were but they didn’t have the tools or skills required to find out. In the second case they probably wanted to keep people in line. In the third, I think people were just bored and bitchy. Don’t forget…back then there was no internet, video games, or even cable tv.

Today, we deal with our own mythologies. We often call them "urban legends". The surprising (and annoying) thing is how some of these mythologies today are created because people are bored (yet we HAVE internet, video games, and cable) but most seem to be propagated by people who are just bitchy and defensive. Some of these myths I find particularly annoying; so I think it’s time for me to do a little bit of "myth busting".

ANNOYING MYTH #1 - "Steroids make your penis shrink."

I love this one because of the reasoning behind why I think it has been created and propagated. Large doses of testosterone will, in fact, cause the testicles to atrophy and shrink; but have no effect on penis size. I’m willing to bet that the true story here is that many men who use steroids do so because they have tiny dicks. Can you say "compensating"?

ANNOYING MYTH #2 - "This town is full of bottoms."

You can insert the name of any town or city for this one. It doesn’t matter where you go, the story sounds the same. While it’s true that on the internet, the bottoms seem to outnumber the tops; but when you talk to the tops at the bars and clubs, they’re all complaining about how nobody wants to bottom. I think the reality here is that gay male bottoms are just pushier and needier, so they’re more likely to advertise on the internet. Another likely basis for this myth is how bitchy negative bottoms tend to be more vocal, so we hear from them most often.

ANNOYING MYTH #3 - "Everybody does/has it."

Most often, this myth is invoked when discussing drug use, promiscuity, and the desire to purchase something trendy and expensive yet completely impractical, unnecessary, and otherwise nonsensical. Welcome to the wonderful world of rationalizations. Somehow people have come to the conclusion that as long as they’re not the only person doing something, then what they do stops being shallow, reprehensible, or stupid. If you want to do something (and are willing to accept responsibility for it) then knock yourself out; but if you feel any need to justify it with this kind of preschooler logic, then maybe you should think again before you do it.

ANNOYING MYTH #4 - "Tops and straight-acting guys are less gay than bottoms or feminine men."

Oh man…THIS one is term-paper material. There’s a whole heap of "fucked up" happening there. First of all "gay" is not a bad word. It also means "happy", by the way. If you can’t equate "gay" with "happy" then I don’t care how much of a butch ass-ripping stud you might think you are…you’re a mess.

As far as "straight-acting" goes, I think that is really more a euphemism for "self-hating" than it is for "masculine". It implies that being homosexual is somehow inferior. Secondly, regardless of who is doing what to whom or who is wearing the pearls or not…if you’re having sex with someone who has the same anatomical parts as you, then you’re just as gay as they are. Furthermore, I’m pretty sure that advertising for gay sex is not, by any definition, "acting straight".

Myths today are not much different than they were 2000 years ago. The only real difference I see is how we can’t use the excuse of not having the tools to discover the truth so much anymore; so there’s far less reason to believe or propagate them…unless of course you’re a small-dicked, self-hating, immature, pushy, needy bottom with the self-determination drive of a railroad car.

abOUT Bible Thumping

2011-04-20T16:31:00.000-04:00

Mother Theresa once said "I don’t pay any attention to the news, because I am only interested in the truth." I think she hit the bullseye with that assessment. I wish more people saw the media that way. It saddens me how so many people will hear or read something, and then accept it at face value as truth.

People seem to forget that sources of news are very seldom impartial. As a gay journalist, I tend to pay a lot of attention to the news; but I’ve learned to look much deeper than the spoken or printed words I encounter. Too often, the source of the story has a very specific agenda.

For example, this month I planned on writing a story on some of the myths (lies) religious types spout about homosexuality. The one particular lie I wanted to address was how Bible thumpers insist on linking homosexuality with pedophilia, so I went online to do some research.

Much to my dismay, the overwhelming majority of information I found when I searched the words "pedophilia", "homosexual" and "truth" talked about how most pedophiles ARE homosexuals. I was shocked because I’d studied these topics in university, and was taught quite the opposite.

This made absolutely no sense to me…until I started actually reading the information on those sites and learning who’d written these "truths". Without fail, all of those sites were written by religious conservatives. Even worse, most of their claims were either unsubstantiated or else "substantiated" by information taken out of context.

I decided to limit my search. I only read articles in magazines like Time and Psychology Today; and papers written by secular university professors. This search showed a vastly different result. These sources confirmed that what I had learned in school was correct.

The truth is that homosexuality and pedophilia have nothing to do with one another. One is a sexuality. The other is a paraphilia (need for unusual sexual stimulation) like exhibitionism or voyeurism. Homosexuals are attracted to members of their same sex for sexual AND intimate relationships. Pedophiles feel a need to have sex with pre-pubescent children, often with little regard for the child’s gender.

Statistics say that 90% of pedophiles are men. More than 2/3 of the children molested are girls, and some studies suggest that up to 98% of pedophiles identify themselves as "straight" (even those who’ve molested boys). Perhaps most alarmingly (and telling) is that 2/3 of the children were molested by immediate family members. Almost half were molested by their own fathers and stepfathers.

Why do I say "telling"? Because that statistic explains why religious types would want to link homosexuality to pedophilia. It’s called "shifting blame". In my last column, I called this practice "socio-political scape-goating".

I think that Bible thumping dads & stepdads who molest their children don’t want anybody to know what they’re doing (especially their wives) so they’ve created and maintained this myth that it’s the homos who want their children. Church ladies out waging a war against The Sodomites will be too focused to notice what their husbands are doing to their own children in their own homes. This makes sense to me, because recent human history tells us how this is not a new idea.

This is similar to what Hitler/Bush and the Nazis/Republicans did in 1930’s Germany/today‘s USA. With the economy in tatters and an uncooperative legislature in his way, Hitler/Bush correctly assumed that he could dodge the blame for the situation and further his political agenda by creating a convincing convenient and fictional unifying threat. He gave his people enemies to blame and focus their hatred and frustration upon…the Jews/the Terrorists.

None of what Hitler or Bush said was true, of course. Neither is any of what the religious conservatives say. The problem is, when people hear a message over and over again (especially from a convincing source like a newscast, a newspaper, or a prominent political or religious figure) they are reluctant to question it.

Sadly, too often in today’s society, the truth becomes what people are convinced to believe regardless of what the truth might actually be. I think society would be much better off if people would try thinking for themselves. I also think that pedophilia wouldn’t be such a problem if moms would spend more time and energy on their children, and less on their church socials.

abOUT Discrimination

2011-04-20T16:29:00.000-04:00

Election Day 2008 has come and gone in the USA, and America has decided to try something different. It’s not surprising, considering what an embarrassing disaster the past 8 years have been under the Bush administration. For the first time, a person of colour has been elected President. America has taken a great step forward towards racial equality.

For many Americans, this is a time of great joy. However, for queer Americans, Election Day was a grim reminder of how most of America feels about them. In several states the majority voted in favour of propositions which would constitutionally enshrine discrimination against homosexuals. As far as most American voters are concerned, queers do not deserve equal rights.

To make matters worse, according to exit polls in California 7 out of 10 black voters supported the proposition banning equal marriage rights. One analyst suggested this was because black voters were more likely to attend churches which would preach against homosexuality.

Being a gay man myself, I find this turn of events thoroughly disgusting on several levels.

First of all, why exactly do heterosexuals care so much about homosexuals being allowed to marry? If they are against same-sex marriage, then they shouldn’t marry someone of their same sex, right? How does allowing people of the same sex to marry affect anybody else? What exactly are they afraid of? I hear a lot of talk about the "sanctity of marriage" yet almost 50% of all marriages end in divorce. If they care so much about marriage and family, then why don’t they ban divorce? I find this stance incredibly hypocritical.

Here in Canada we've had equal rights for several years now. Families don't seem to be negatively affected in any way. No deity has sent any plagues or natural disasters. The last time I checked, the Gay Recruitment Bureau hasn't reported any increases in sales, and gee...our economy seems pretty darned good considering the current global situation.

Secondly, why are churches telling people how to vote? Isn’t there supposed to be some kind of separation of church and state? If churches are getting involved with the political process, then shouldn’t they also be paying taxes? Since when does the Bible trump the Bill of Rights or the Constitution? Does this mean the Bible also trumps the Koran or the Talmud? In any event, Biblical scholars admit how those parts of the Bible used to support the persecution of homosexuals have been misinterpreted and twisted by Bible-thumpers, so why do they continue to get away with misleading and manipulating their parishoners?

Which brings me to issue #3, which is perhaps the most sad. Black Americans voting to take away the civil rights of gay Americans. Why on Earth would one minority which has endured centuries of violence, degradation, and discrimination turn around and wish the exact same treatment onto another minority? Why would they not learn from their own experience and not lower themselves to emulating the shameful and hateful tactics of their own oppressors?

I wish I had some answers to these questions…especially the last one; but I can only speculate. Let’s face it, American culture (and to a lesser extent, Canadian culture) has become incredibly selfish. It’s all about getting more than the other guy, regardless of the cost to one’s self or the harm it may do to another. Look at how many people are dealing with crushing debt, bankruptcy, and mortgage foreclosure simply because they wanted to have more than they could afford. "Keeping up with the Joneses" is ruining a lot of lives.

Also, it seems that too many people here are very unhappy with their lives and want someone to blame or at least someone to punish. I suppose it makes some people feel better by comparison when they step on somebody else; but historically, socio-political scapegoating has always ended badly. Has everyone forgotten WWII Germany already?

Obviously, the majority of voters are responsible for these results and I'm not suggesting that any one group is to blame. I just can’t get my head around the idea that millions of black Americans voted in favour of discrimination. I suppose many would say that their religion forced them to vote this way. I guess those same people missed that part in the New Testament (Matthew 25:40, King James Version) which says "And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

So much for being righteous. Enjoy your afterlife. I hope you like heat and the smell of sulphur.

abOUT Drag Queens

2011-04-20T16:23:00.000-04:00

A few weeks ago I was at my preferred pub with some good friends. It’s become a bit of a ritual for us to grab a few drinks together and watch our two favourite drag performers. They usually have a fun show and we usually enjoy a few laughs. That night, however, was not particularly funny.

The show always includes a guest performer or two. On this particular night, one of their guest queens caused a frantic stampede to the bartenders, bathrooms, and smoking areas 10 seconds into her song. In response, she began chastising the audience for not paying any attention to her "act". She actually had the audacity to trash the bar and its patrons (who, incidentally, provide the money to pay her sorry ass) by saying "Such a typical Woody’s audience. Rude and not appreciating all the work we do trying entertain you."
First of all, the audience was far from unappreciative. I guess she wasn’t paying attention when the crowd was cheering wildly for the other queens.

Secondly, standing on a stage in an ugly dress and unenthusiastically lip-syncing to some tired overplayed pop song with no camp value hardly qualifies as "entertainment" to many people. Welcome to show business babe. If an audience ignores what’s happening on a stage, it’s hardly the audience’s fault.

I hear a lot of guys say how the quality of drag performers has declined over the years. Personally, I think that’s an unfair statement. I think it’s more correct to say that the quantity of drag queens has declined.

What many people don’t understand is that there are monumental differences between a drag queen, a female impersonator, and a guy in a dress. Sadly, many so-called "drag queens" today don’t understand these differences either.

Drag queens have always been icons of the gay community. They are "in your face", larger than life, over the top symbols of our defiance of homophobic society. They are men with the courage to garishly stand out as gay, all covered in sequins, feathers, and jewels; and therefore make targets of themselves. They were always at the vanguard of our community’s battles, and have likely raised more money for our causes than any other group.

In contrast, they also try to make us laugh at ourselves. In the darkest days of homophobic oppression, they worked very hard to bring some light and enjoyment to their brothers and sisters. They are true entertainers.

Female impersonators are basically illusionists. No feathers. No rhinestones. They are far more concerned with looking sexy and feminine than anything else. I‘m not saying they aren‘t entertaining. Some are very talented dancers and singers; but they aren’t funny. They aren’t trying to be funny. They have no socio-political agendas. They‘re trying to imitate women.

The rest are just guys in dresses. They can’t dance or sing. They don’t make us laugh. They aren’t particularly interesting to look at either. They stand on stage and lip-sync to some uninspiring piece of pop trash music, and expect people to applaud or give them money.

They just don’t get it. Simply putting on a wig, some makeup, and an ugly dress does not necessarily make someone entertaining (unless they’re at some hetero office party where everybody is shit-faced drunk) nor does it entitle them to any sort of appreciation. Nobody cares how long you searched for size 13 pumps or how difficult it was to find a Shamu-sized Bob Mackie gown at Goodwill.

Being an entertainer requires talent and imagination. Being a drag queen requires far more. It requires having a sense of pride, identity, flair, humour, and community which far too few queer people seem to display nowadays. It also requires two more very important things…cojones.

There are some gay men who roll their eyes and cringe whenever they hear someone mention drag. Some talk about drag queens with open contempt, especially during Pride. I’ve come to understand that people with such attitudes are most often ignorant of our history or terrified of hetero society somehow seeing them as less masculine by association; or both.

It takes someone with a great deal of confidence in their manhood to put on a dress for the benefit of others; and if not for drag queens (and leather men) openly pushing gay awareness and issues and challenging homophobia we would not have the rights we have today. There would be no huge Pride celebrations anywhere, and there would be no bars where untalented guys in dresses could stand on a stage and provide patrons with opportunities to get more drinks, pee, and grab a smoke before the talented queens come back for their next numbers.

abOUT Shaved Apes

2011-04-20T16:15:00.000-04:00

In 1967 a British zoologist named Desmond Morris wrote a very controversial book called "The Naked Ape". What made the book so controversial was how Dr. Morris (ignoring religious, racial, and social dogma) studied humanity as nothing more than a group of (relatively) hairless apes.

His ideas inspired me to take a step back from my fellow apes, and try to take a more objective look at the rest of the troupe. In the warmer months, you’ll often find me sitting on some steps on Church Street just watching…and snickering.

Let’s face it…gay men are hysterical sometimes. A friend of mine put it rather eloquently when he said "If the world was Disneyland then gay men would be Peter Pan and The Lost Boys."

It seems that many gay men never want to grow up. We don’t usually need to accept the responsibilities that straight men do. We rarely have children or legal spouses, so we’re often free to do whatever we want. It can be a lot of fun; but it can also be a bit insidious over time.

Without something to ground us, it becomes far too easy to become irresponsible and selfish. Living in the moment is intoxicating; but too often it doesn’t prepare us for the future. Perhaps this explains why so many gay men struggle through mid-life. Many spend their 20s and 30s striving for little more than being the prettiest girl at the party. The problem with such an aspiration is that by the time you turn 40...you ain’t baby…you ain‘t.

No matter how much you diet and hit the gym, sooner or later gravity grabs hold of your tits, ass, and face and drags them downward. Not as many hot boys want you, and for some gay men that’s a very bitter pill to swallow.

Those gay men who never buy into "pretty boy" culture seem to take one of two roads. The high road being they create fuller and more grounded lives based on something more substantial than their abs. The low road being one of bitterness. Ironically, many of the "pretty boys" also wind up taking the same low road as they age.

The well-adjusted gay men are the ones I least often see. The bitter ones, on the other hand, have been fascinating. I’ve observed that the bitter gay apes have a language all to themselves. I’ve been compiling a "Bitter Fag to Reality" translation index. Here are some example translations:

BF: "That one has attitude"
Translation: "I flirted with him…he shot me down…so now I want everyone else to hate him too."

BF: "He’s a whore"
Translation: "We had sex and now I’m done with him"

BF: "He’s an asshole"
Translation: "We had sex and now he’s done with me"

BF: "He has baggage"
Translation: "I want him. He doesn’t want me. Therefore I’m blaming it all on his past because it’s unthinkable that someone in their right mind wouldn’t desperately want me."

BF: "He’s an egomaniac"
Translation: "He’s prettier than I am, therefore I hate him."

There's more, but I think you get the idea. The language of the Bitter Fag seems to have evolved from the belief that he is the most important person on Earth, and the accompanying frustration over how the rest of the world refuses to accept that belief.

If you go to any place where gay men talk, you’re going to hear these kind of rationalizations. Sometimes, it’s all I can do to not burst out into a fit of laughter. Sometimes I feel less like I’m watching hairless apes than I’m watching plucked peacocks.

People are people. We’re none of us perfect; and frankly the imperfections are what make people most interesting. Over years of watching people in general (and gay men specifically) I’ve learned how important a sense of humour can be…not to mention a thick skin.

My advice to all you other human zoologists…look deeper than the surface. When you observe a behaviour, try to understand where it came from and don’t just focus on the behaviour itself.

My advice to all you other shaved apes…try taking a good look inwards before you say or do something. An occasional attempt at objective introspection can be quite healthy.

My advice to the Peter Pans out there…have fun, but when you think about staying in Neverland think less Disney and a bit more Michael Jackson; and if you still think you’ll never grow up, rent "Hook" and pay close attention to Robin Williams.

<Shudder>

abOUT Self-Esteem

2011-04-20T16:12:00.000-04:00

One of the few regrets I have about God deciding I should be a homo (see? It IS a choice…His, not ours) is how it means I’m not likely to ever be a father. I’ve always loved kids, and spend as much time with my nieces and nephews as I can. Fortunately, it seems that my outreach and education work within the leather community has earned me the title "Daddy Paul" in some circles.

In the leather community, the title "Daddy" is most often assigned to a mature man (and often woman) who takes younger and less experienced people under their wing to teach them what it means to be part of the leather community. In many cases, the role goes beyond that of a mentor and becomes more intimate. At this point in my life I’ve not gone beyond the "mentor" stage…largely because I still consider myself far too young to have somebody in their 20’s or 30’s calling me "Daddy".

Over the past few years I’ve spent a lot of time with younger queer folk. Initially most of the time was spent teaching and counselling; but as the trust between us has grown I now find myself doing a lot of listening.

I find it rather alarming that after decades of people like Oprah and Dr. Phil telling us we need to communicate with our children, and with all those children of the 1960’s and 1970’s going on about wanting to be "cooler" parents than their own, how younger people still believe they can’t talk with their parents. I suppose it shouldn’t be so surprising. In spite of all the "modern parenting" ideas, over the past 30 years children have likely spent less time with their parents than at any other point in history; and society is seeing the results.

In many cases parents and children are virtually strangers to one another. Single parents and parents who both work don’t always have the time or energy to give their children the attention, nurturing, and discipline they often want and need. More and more children are being raised by paid caregivers who simply don’t have maternal/paternal connections with their charges; or the kids are propped in front of electronic babysitters (a TV or computer) to keep them occupied. It seems to result in more and more young adults with little respect for other people, poor social skills, and low self-esteem.

As I’ve mentioned in previous columns, I believe that low self-esteem is perhaps the biggest problem in queer society today. Many queers grow up believing that God and society hate them or that they are defective in some way. Many spend their adolescence desperately trying to hide their sexuality, fearing how they might be shunned for being different. Many grow up believing they will always be on the outside looking in.

Low self-esteem manifests itself into many destructive behaviours. Since people with low self-esteem don’t think very highly of themselves, they assume nobody else values them either; so they don’t treat other people (or themselves) very well.

It’s been said that people who don’t love themselves can never really love anybody else; so many people with low self-esteem have difficulty maintaining healthy relationships. Convinced that anybody they want will eventually cast them aside, they start looking for a way to make it happen. Sometimes when they don’t find a reason for the relationship to end, they create one. Ironically, it seems the more they want someone the more likely the "pre-emptive strike" will come in order to "protect themselves" from getting hurt.

People with low self-esteem also have a desperate fear of social rejection. This makes them incredibly susceptible to peer pressure. Many younger people (and people new to the community) with low self-esteem readily cast aside their common sense in order to fit in. "Everybody does/has it" becomes justification for all sorts of idiotic choices. Anybody with 3 functioning neurons knows that tobacco is lethal; but many people who start smoking do so to fit in with a peer group. Same goes for recreational drug use. Never mind that Ex has been linked to Parkinson’s Disease, depression, neurotoxicity, DEATH and often leads to the use of even more dangerous substances; many people seem to think that "fitting in" is worth risking their life.

Marketing people are also taking full advantage of low self-esteem within the queer community. Wake up kiddies! Gay men have not become such a hot marketing target because we have "more disposable income". We’ve become a target because we’re so desperate for validation that we’re more easily conned into parting with our money in order to buy it. I hate to burst your bubbles here, but in practical terms the only difference between a $50 pair of pants or sunglasses and a $500 pair is $450, a logo, and a slick marketing campaign. We have been fed this bullshit idea that money can buy acceptance, love and happiness; and gay men have swallowed it hook, line, and sinker. We’re not being "courted". We’re being preyed upon.

So how do we fix this? It won’t be easy, because most people’s low self-esteem will prevent them from admitting they have low self-esteem; and you can‘t solve a problem by pretending it isn‘t there. I suppose the best place to start would be to take a long hard honest look at ourselves in order to not only see WHAT we are doing to ourselves and to one another; but to also understand WHY we do it.

The most difficult part about taking an honest look at one’s self is how very often we won’t like what we see. Honest introspection and self-esteem take a great deal of inner strength, which I fear many people in our community desperately (and sadly) lack; so many will need help. I guess that’s when moms, dads, and Daddies are most important.

abOUT Queer Culture

2011-04-20T16:08:00.000-04:00

There’s been a lot of talk lately about the sorry state of "Queer Culture". Personally, I don’t know what the big deal is because I don’t believe there ever was such a thing. In fact, I find most people’s concept (and defence) of "Queer Culture" rather offensive.

The first time I’d heard the term "Queer Culture" I was a fresh-faced 26 year old guy from a small town, exploring the city of Toronto. I’d just split from a 7 year relationship with another guy from the same town, and had virtually no exposure to gay life outside of him and our friends.

One day I met this 40+ year old pretentious queen who took it upon himself to "bring me up to speed". He began telling me what to wear, what to like, what to say, and what to think. Much of what he told me at best seemed silly; but at worst was in complete contradiction to my values. Finally I spoke up in protest.

The look on his face is forever engraved in my memory, as are the words he spoke to me. "Nobody cares what you think. This is your culture." If my life were Star Trek, this episode would have been my encounter with The Borg ("You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.").

That still ranks as one of the most idiotic things any human being has ever said to me. I don’t know what I found more offensive; the idea that my sexual orientation had anything to do with my "culture", or the idea that someone actually believed that being homosexual meant I had to adopt values and behaviours whether I agreed with them or not.

What many people call "Queer Culture" today really seems to me more like a modern defensive rationalization than any sort of actual culture. Too many queers behave like they’ve created nothing more than a private party in retaliation for all the parties from which they were excluded. "Queer Culture" is also a fairly recent phenomenon. North American and European societies have only really been addressing gay issues openly since the 1960s; but it’s not like homos magically appeared at the time.

Queers have been in existence around the world for as long as there have been people. All cultures have had to deal with homosexuality, but some have dealt with it more benevolently than others. Greece, Rome, and Aboriginal America are prime examples. Homosexuality has historically been an integral part of cultures (either openly or hidden) and never a culture unto itself. (Unless of course you’re the argumentative sort who wants to start talking about sub-cultures…but then, aren’t sub-cultures integral pieces of their larger parent cultures?)

So what exactly IS queer culture? Is it buying overpriced clothes and merchandise simply because it’s the current fashion? Is it dancing all night in a noisy crowded club with a handful of pills and a nose full of powder? Is it marching down a street with a protest sign? Is it affecting the mannerisms of a gender to which you were not born? Is it dressing head to toe in something outrageous or overtly sexual? Is it really anything at all?

I simply don’t believe that anybody has the right to define "Queer Culture". A culture is a set of shared beliefs, attitudes, and values. I fail to see how anyone can accept the idea that all queers have anything in common except the fact they are all queers. Queers come in all ages, shapes, sizes, genders, races, religions, and ethnic backgrounds. We each have our own values which don’t necessarily have much in common. I don’t think they need to, as long as we respect one another.

If I was forced to choose a definition of "Queer Culture", I would like it to be "acceptance of diversity without judgment". In which case, talk of its demise would actually be something newsworthy to me.

abOUT Equal Rights

2011-04-20T16:04:00.000-04:00

A funny thing happened in the magical land of maple trees and beavers. The fairy-folk who live there worked their collective magic to convince the rulers of the land to grant their wish to be treated just like the "normal" folk…and they got it.

Unfortunately, as often happens with wishes, it came with a price.

What the fairy-folk didn’t consider, was that with those rights came responsibilities. Some of them still don’t realize that their entire way of life is now subject to a brand new set of rules. I spoke with Peter Haber, a gay Barrister and Solicitor I‘ve known for several years. He explained to me how any two persons living together in a conjugal relationship outside of marriage for at least one year now automatically become subject to "common law".

Peter tells me this may even apply to polyamourous relationships (although, it has yet to be tested in court). That's right...if three or more of you are living together and having sex, then you're all likely considered Common Law Spouses with the same rights and responsibilities as that nice straight couple across the way.

Welcome to Equality. Gone are the days when homos can treat relationships casually. Not only can we equally marry, adopt, and divorce…if you and your "other" have been living together for a year or more then you’re virtually married. If one of you owns the house, car, or business but the other(s) can prove they helped pay for any of it, then they may have grounds to sue for compensation in the event of a split. If you've lived together for more than 3 years, they can even sue you for support payments.

Guess what kiddies? Cheating on your partner or springing the "I want an open relationship" speech on them might wind up costing you a lot of money now. Your partner doesn’t need to put up with it anymore if they don't want to. They now have legal rights, and they might be able to sue your promiscuous ass into poverty if they so choose.

Personally, I see this as a positive thing. For too long we’ve been a culture of irresponsible selfishness. Gay men have particularly been poor at accepting responsibility for themselves and how their actions affect other people; especially where feelings and relationships are concerned.

I believe that homos deserve the right to marry, but I do not believe it is "necessary". I believe that people should accept responsibility for their actions, choices, and promises. If you don’t think you can be monogamous, then don’t promise it. If you decide to do something which hurts someone else, then you should be held accountable.

There will be an important election in the USA in November of 2008. Once again, the issues of Equal Marriage (NOT "Gay Marriage") will be raised. I suggest you folks in the States give these issues some serious thought before you make your wishes.

You might just get them.

abOUT Stupid Provocation

2011-04-20T16:01:00.000-04:00

For this year's (2007) Folsom Street Fair in San Francisco, the promoters created a poster mocking the painting of The Last Supper, and some Christian groups are going berserk. Some groups are demanding apologies and condemnations from the mayor of San Francisco and the governor of California. In response, the gay community is whining about how this is just another example of persecution and oppression by religious groups..

Wow! The Christian nutjobs are over-reacting and using this silly unimportant poster as an excuse to vilify us!

B I G F # % K I N G S U R P R I S E !!!!!

Which non-comatose queer/leather person in the Americas couldn't have seen this coming? OF COURSE they're over-reacting! They do this all the time. We KNOW they will use whatever ammunition we give them to raise a Biblical stink...so WHY KEEP GIVING IT TO THEM???

This community spends an awful lot of time and energy demanding to have our rights and beliefs respected. This will NEVER happen as long as we continue refusing to respect those of others. Yes, they "started it"; but instead of being better we respond by sinking to their level like so many leather-clad preschoolers.

This fuss is not an attack on our community. It is a response to an attack on THEIRS. This ad was INTENDED to offend the Christians...just as The Simpsons and The Sopranos and all the other parties who've parodied the Last Supper throughout history have intended. The difference here is that nobody is denying The Simpsons and The Sopranos equal human and civil rights.

The American GLBT/kink community does not yet have the same luxury of impunity; and if you keep this nonsense up (or defending it), you never will.

You folks in the USA have an election coming up. Do you honestly believe that this stunt will not become another blunt object with which the Christian nut-jobs will hammer away at the support of moderate Christian voters who might have otherwise been sympathetic to your issues??? We are a minority. Our community's causes will never move forward unless we have the support of others.

It is well past the time when this community must stop playing "victim" and begin accepting responsibility for ourselves and the consequences of our actions. If what you want is to selfishly go out and indulge your "right" to offend other people, then stop complaining that other people view you in a negative light. Instead of bitching about the fact you don't have equal rights, try demonstrating that you deserve them.

It is time we grew up and behaved like the equally treated citizens as we keep demanding to be. In fact...until we ARE treated as equal citizens, it'd serve us far better to behave MORE respectfully than the rest.

abOUT Drama

2011-04-20T15:54:00.000-04:00

In Toronto, the end of Summer is when The Imperial Court of Toronto (TICOT) and the Mr. Leatherman Toronto Competition (MLTC) organizations begin preparing for their biggest annual events. For TICOT it's their annual Coronation of Empress and Emperor. For MLTC it's the annual Mr. Leatherman Toronto and Bootblack Toronto Competitions.

While these organizations appear to be at opposite ends of the gay universe, they do share certain ideas. Both organizations select figureheads to represent their community. Both organizations work very hard to raise money for worthy charities. Both organizations encourage their representatives to travel as ambassadors (MLTC even provides travel funds for its titleholders).

They also share the same problem. It seems that for both of these organizations, finding people who wish to run for the titles every year is becoming more difficult.

Being an active member (and former titleholder) of MLTC and having supported several TICOT events, I've spoken to many individuals about this growing difficulty. Strangely enough, most of the people who say they don't want to run for these titles give the exact same reason.

They don't want to deal with the "drama" associated with the titles.

In the language of fags "drama" tends to be the term used to describe the politics, arguments, and other such Machiavellian machinations which tend to exist within most groups of people. Of course, being queens we've managed to elevate such things to theatrical proportions worthy of Stratford.

Why do queens work so hard at creating such drama? It's been my experience that most drama queens are rather insecure and angry people. They feel wronged for one reason or another so they tell their story to anyone who'll listen in hope of drumming up support for their version of what may (or may not) have happened. They never actually deal with the problem directly, because that would usually involve some sort of confrontation; in which case they'd actually need some evidence that their gripe was legitimate...which often they don't, because often it is not.

Every year I listen to guys tell me all these horror stories about what it means to be Mr. Leatherman Toronto (MLT). The funny thing is that I WAS MLT, and I don't seem to recall much horror beyond encountering the occasional idiot or drama queen. When I ask who told them the horror story, it never seems to be anyone who actually held the title. Most of the time, the author of the story turns out to be some bitter queen with an axe to grind against the organization. I get similar stories from potential TICOT candidates.
I find it fascinating how people seem so willing to accept a bitterly negative story about someone or something without considering the validity of the source. I also find it fascinating how the people who most insist they hate drama tend to be the ones who create it. I guess what they're really saying is that they don't want to deal with anyone else's drama because they're too busy with their own.

For the record, I had a great time as MLT. I travelled across North America with little expense, attended some terrific events, and met some wonderful people. In fact, I had such a good experience that I entered and won the Canadian Leather Man competition the following year.

Was there drama? Well, a few people did attempt to take the stage. I simply chose to leave the theatre.

abOUT Philosophies

2011-04-20T15:48:00.000-04:00

People say the two topics you should never discuss on a first date are politics and religion. When I think about that statement, it makes a lot of sense to me. People tend to be very passionate about their stances on politics and religion, because such stances are usually deeply personal. Our political and religious views are shaped by our own experiences, perspectives and values; but when you take away all the emotional, cultural, and economic overtones from both subjects we discover that we're actually talking about philosophies.

Philosophies are very tricky things to discuss, because they are meant to be interpreted by each individual. A philosophy is an idea or concept based upon a perspective, and no two of us have the same perspective. The entire point of a philosophy is to explore the idea through discussion, and to have as many different perspectives available as possible. This helps us to discover an interpretation of the concept which will best fit into our lives.

In spite of what certain self-righteous individuals would like us to believe there is no such thing as an absolute or irrefutable interpretation of a philosophy. Whether we're talking about cultures, laws, philosophy books, or religious texts, what we're actually being presented with are merely the interpretations of the original creator's/author's ideas. These interpretations are not necessarily accurate or even correct, because the source of the philosophy has likely been dead for a very long time and can't offer any more explanation than they've already provided.

To boil it down to one probably very offensive word...it's all pretty much bullshit.

All laws, politics, cultures and religions are really just a forest of philosophical viewpoints. Why do you think we have leaders, lawyers, teachers and priests? These people's job is to guide us through the forest by providing advantageous interpretations of the written interpretations of the original ideas. In other words, people spin philosophies and ideas into forms which best serve their personal goals and values, regardless of what the original creator of the philosophy may have intended.

We all do it. There's nothing wrong with doing it. It's something human beings have been doing for thousands of years. Everyone has the right to believe what they want to believe and to have their own particular view of the world. The only time it becomes a problem is when somebody decides that their particular interpretation is "right" and then starts condemning or persecuting anyone who doesn't see it their way.

I'm sure by now some of you are wondering "Uh, ok...but why is the Leather Guy writing this in his column?"

Leather, fetish, kink and BDSM are all sexual cultures and philosophies. Therefore, they are all meant to be interpreted by the individual. Each person's particular perspective is simply that, and nothing more. There are many who share my particular values and beliefs, and there are many who do not; and I have no problems with that. What I do have a problem with are people telling me what is "right" or "wrong". If you want to tell me what you believe and you can support it logically, then by all means let's talk; but after you're done I will still decide for myself whether or not I agree with you.

Some people in the Leather/BDSM community see everyone as equals. Some believe submissives are inferior. Some believe women and men should not share spaces. Some men believe that women have no place in the community at all. Some people see Leather/BDSM as an excuse for self-indulgent sexual behaviour. Others see it as a cultural or spiritual community. Some see it as nothing more than a fetish.

The bottom line here is that I see the Leather/BDSM community the way I see it. I value what I value for my own reasons. Everyone is free to agree or disagree with my views as they so choose; but NOBODY has the right to tell anybody they're wrong just because their view doesn't support yours.

Unless I missed the memo, our God (Goddess?) has not yet presented us with commandments written on leather tablets...and even if they had, I'm sure they'd be open to interpretation.

abOUT Self Determination

2011-04-20T15:42:00.000-04:00

For some time now, I have been working with a small number of younger men and women who are interested in learning more about the leather community. While I find it gratifying to think I might be helping them overcome the fear often associated with ignorance of Leather/BDSM culture, it is not very easy sometimes. Usually, the biggest hurdle to overcome is the fear and ignorance of their "friends".

There's one young man we'll call "Steve". He's in his mid-20's, bright, sensitive, and stunningly handsome. He's also built like that proverbial brick shit-house. We're talking "Tom of Finland" material here. He has a keen interest in several aspects of Leather/BDSM, yet convincing him to go to leather bars and events has been incredibly difficult. Steve is afraid of how his "friends" will react when they discover he's into Leather/BDSM/kink. In spite of all he has going for him, Steve is afraid that his "friends" will ostracize him for being different.

Like many younger (and far too many older) gay men, Steve's "friends" subscribe to a culture which strictly dictates their behaviour. They dress according to fashion trends. They listen to trendy music. They go to trendy places. They only express opinions others will likely support. They basically do whatever it is they believe they need to do to fit in...whether they agree with it or not.

Steve's "friends", like the overwhelming majority of people (queer or otherwise) are afraid to be different. They are afraid to express their individuality because they believe they will not be accepted. I find this profoundly saddening, though not particularly surprising.

We all discover peer pressure at a very young age and are then bombarded with images and ideas of "popular" culture for much of our lives. In my view, pop culture is really just another form of corrupted religion. It's all about controlling your thoughts, values, and behaviour with threats. The only difference I see is that religious dogma threatens you with a Hell when you die, while the dogma of popular culture threatens you with a Hell (unpopularity, ridicule, loneliness) while you live.

I think gay men are particularly susceptible to peer pressure because many of us spent our adolescence in fear. We're exposed to all these ideas of what it is to be a "real" man, along with all the negative ideas of what it means to be gay. Many of us grow up believing there's something wrong with us because we're different. Many of us grew up believing we were on the outside, and that being unpopular was a mortal sin. In short, we're taught to view ourselves negatively.

For many people, such experiences leave wounds that never heal. You'd think that when we discover there is an entire community of queers out there we'd dance in the streets and revel in the idea that we can finally be ourselves; but that rarely happens. Instead, many recall how awful it was to feel excluded and desperately do whatever we can to fit in because we're terrified of missing out on what some see as one last chance at being accepted...no matter how stupid what we "must" do (getting intoxicated, altering our appearance/body hair, buying silly things) might actually be.

It's been my experience that the people who most ridicule the differences in others are the ones who are most terrified of being ridiculed themselves...so my advice to Steve was "Be who you want to be. Try placing more value on accepting yourself than you do on being accepted by others. Anybody who won't accept who you are is not worth your friendship. Stop thinking that anybody else is worth more (or less) than you."

When I was a child, my mom made me read the story of "The Emperor's New Clothes". She was also particularly fond of saying "Think for yourself! If all your friends jump off a cliff, does that mean you have to do it too?" My parents were particularly keen on making sure my brothers and I understood that a person's worth is dictated by their values and actions; not by the opinions of other people. My parents taught us about concepts I wish the entire queer community could embrace...Dignity, Self-Esteem, Pride.

Hmmm...Pride. Imagine if we all could actually be proud of who we are. Maybe we could find some way to promote this idea? How about one day when we all come together to celebrate and accept one another and ignore what the intolerant idiots, bitter factionalists, and greedy opportunistic corporations try to push on us?

Someone told me it was attempted once. It's a shame we have nothing like it anymore.

abOUT Whiners

2011-04-20T15:34:00.000-04:00

Modern biological science usually awards the title of "Lowest Life Form on Earth" to some single-celled organism. However, I believe another animal deserves that title. It's a common creature whose scientific name is "Sitzarowndan bitchis" (more often referred to as the common whiner).

This is a complex creature full of contradictions. Like many others in the animal kingdom it puts on elaborate displays to attract attention, yet apparently for no purpose other than attracting attention. It is often very aggressive and vocal in these displays yet when confronted it becomes quite cowardly.

OK...enough science. My point is this: I hate whining. There's something about that self-piteous, negatively critical, responsibility-ducking, empty-headed drivel that just makes me want to puke whenever I hear it.

I define whining as "complaining bitterly about an issue or situation, yet doing nothing to resolve it". Whiners are everywhere. They are not unique to any one community; but it seems to me that queers have raised whining to an art form. Whining has become so common in our community that many people can't distinguish it from actual conversation anymore.

Go to any place where queers gather and you'll hear whining. The locations change and the subjects change but the whining is pretty much the same. Guys from Buffalo (and women from Toronto) go on about how bad the bar scene is where they live; yet how many venues have closed, gone from dyke to fag (or from queer to straight) or have stagnated because they aren't supported? Look at the poor voter turnout for elections. Listen to how people bitch about a lack of community leadership yet trash anybody who steps forward and attempts to do anything publicly. (Any pride committee member, leather titleholder, or drag Empress/Emperor knows exactly what I'm talking about.)

Some person sitting at a bar or coffee shop will always have something negative to say about the state of the community in general or some community figure specifically. They will go on about what is wrong with him/her/this/that and how the world would be a much better place if they would only blah blah blah...yet with all this apparent wisdom their ass never seems to get off of that chair to fix anything. Hell, they don't even bother whining to anyone who would actually do something about it. Even more nauseating to me, when someone actually comes forward and tries to improve a situation (even one which affects the whiner directly) the whiner starts trashing the person who's trying to help them.

I think there are three reasons for this. #1 is they don't actually have any idea of what they're talking about; but they don't want other people to think (know) they are stupid.

Reason #2 is something a friend of mine once told me: "The way people treat other people is always a good indication of how they feel about themselves." In other words, someone who doesn't think much of themselves won't think much of anyone else either. They try to make you look bad, because they don't know any way to make themselves look better by comparison.

Reason #3 is a lack of self-confidence. The way my grandmother once put it was "The people who most criticize what you do are the ones too cowardly to get up and do it themselves." Sometimes people see a problem and know what needs to be done; but they are afraid of accepting responsibility so they don't act. Instead, they sit around and complain hoping that someone will rescue them; but unfortunately that only happens in fairy tales.

Face it folks...If you want something fixed you must do it yourself or engage the person who can fix it for you. If you are unwilling to get up off your ass to save yourself then you'd better learn to accept what you get and shut the Hell up; because you've forsaken your right to complain (and nobody wants to hear it anyways).
　

Where To Begin??

2011-04-20T14:41:00.002-04:00

I suppose I should begin by telling y'all a little bit about myself.

I'm probably best known for my involvement in the Leather Community and the title of which I'm most proud - Mama's Shit Disturber (Thanks Mama Sandy!!). I was also a columnist for abOUT Magazine for several years. Some of you may remember my opinion columns...especially those of you who wrote me all that hate mail...which my editor and I LOVED!!!

Why?

Because it meant I made you think, which was the entire point of my writing.

My family isn't from North America, and I wasn't raised to see the world the way most people here seem to see it. My family is from a tiny Mediterranean country called "Malta" which (not surprisingly) many people have not even heard of. Malta is a group of islands between Sicily and the North coast of Africa. There are only about 500,000 people living there, and it's the site of some of the oldest ruins on Earth. Some of these ruins show the presence of human civilization on Malta going back more than 11,000 years.

Now, over that kind of time span Maltese people developed a rather pragmatic philosophy of life. We tend to say exactly what we think, bascially because we've learned how life is too short to be wasted on bullshit or on people we can't stand. We simply see little point (and even less benefit) in hiding how we feel about people, events, and situations. Better to just put it all out there in the open so it can be dealt with and so that everybody is on the same page. My grandmother once said "The beautiful thing about Maltese people is that when they love you...you know; and when they don't...you know."

We also see little point in "keeping up with the Joneses". If you look, you will ALWAYS find somebody richer, poorer, taller, shorter, prettier, uglier, smarter, dumber, or whatever...so what exactly is the point in looking (other than to make yourself miserable)? For the most part, we try to focus on what we have rather than what we lack...a trait sadly rare here in North America where one's self worth seems to be gauged upon who has the bigger TV, more expensive car, most over-priced T-shirt/purse/shoes/useless iPiece of technology, or hottest partner.

Anyways...the rest I'm sure you'll figure out if you decide to follow my blog. I plan on sharing my views of life, people, and politics. I'm guessing my views won't be shared with many of you...and that's just peachy. I also plan on challenging what is commonly accepted and believed, which will undoubtably piss off a great many people...and that's even peachier, because that means I'm forcing you to defend what you believe and a good many people today can't actually do that very well.

So the question becomes this: If you can't defend what you believe, then why do you believe it?

To make my life easier and to bring y'all up to speed with me, I'll start by posting some of my already published work. Some of these are essays which have been posted on various websites. Others will be presentations I've given. Others will be articles which have appeared in newspapers and magazines. Once I've posted all that crap...and trust me, there's plenty...I'll start posting some new stuff.

Enjoy the ride...and don't be afraid to let me know what you think.

Paul